Naples:life,death &
                Miracle contact: Jeff Matthews

© Jeff Matthews   entry Sept 2015   Allegro ma non troppo #27  (original pub. date, Lion Magazine, 1990-95)

I’d Put a Title On This, But That’s Just What They Want Me to Do!


One of the most prevalent conspiracy theories among paranoids in the United States, the impending takeover of America by foreign forces loyal to the United Nations, has forced the Indiana transportation department to change its road signs. Self-styled defenders of the American way complained that maintenance codes on the backs of the signs were actually secret messages for invading troops, said a spokeswoman for the Indiana transportation department. ‘People were calling, saying that we were part of the UN takeover plan, and then they were painting over the signs. It got so we couldn't ignore it,’ she said. The signs are now being changed, a move she hopes will ‘reassure those in the motoring public who had those suspicions’.

The only words I have added to the above real live actual true swear-to-God newspaper clipping are “among paranoids”. I have done so because I feel it is high time that we give these people —and I include myself— the credit that they/we are due. Yes, we are enmeshed in a convoluted web of conspiracy that most other people, oblivious dullards that they are, don’t even notice. They continue to saunter—or, in this case, drive—blithely past such things as encoded highway signs. Now, I have never been in Indiana, but it is a source of comfort to me to know that at least a few alert individuals are making the place safe for fruit-cakes, and, as I say, I include myself in that group, but ho-ho if you think I am going to tell you where I live or anything like that just in case you are thinking of coming to “take care of me” or invade me or anything, which I know you have been planning for a long time.


I would remind those of you who are naively convinced that the world wanders randomly through the universe totally unaffected by conspiracies of evil that ‘random’ is just a word, as are many other words that you read, and that street-signs have often been used by oppressors to find their victims. Erasing or changing names of streets has often been a way for the downtrodden to escape their captors; it was a ploy used very effectively to foil the Gestapo, for example, in their searches for members of the resistance in Paris and Copenhagen in WW II. Nescio quid hoc demonstrat, as Roman logicians used to say, and if that doesn’t prove to you just how important street signs can be in this world, then I leave you to your childish fantasies that we are not mere puppets controlled by an international cartel of evil puppeteers who own all the banks in the world and who from their headquarters high on a mountain the name of which I am not at liberty to discuss transmit mind-controlling messages through the fillings in our teeth.

Yet, there are those of us who refuse to have our strings pulled and who are having our fillings replaced by ceramic material that resists the rays! They’re all around us, you know —the rays. Sometimes they’re voices, but most of the time they’re rays. Where was I? Right, street signs. While my colleagues in Indiana carry on, I have been on the look-out for other obvious (at least to some of us) signs that we are being set-up for a take-over by forces loyal to the United Nations —which, I hope you children realize, is actually “snoitan detinu” spelled backwards. That’s right —Snoitan Detinu, and if that isn’t a code-word directing UN Secret Police to your house, then my name isn’t…hah, gotcha!…you thought I was going to tell you my secret identity! And would it surprise you to know that the real name of the former Secretary General of the United Nations was not Boutros Boutros Ghali, but, rather, Boutros Boutros Boutros, and that his mother stuttered?! Coincidence? Sure, uh-huh. Tap your skulls and see if anyone is home up there.

Where was I again? Right, other signs. For one thing, the street light near my house in Naples at the corner of (oops... almost let it slip) has been out of order for years! Oh, there’s a light, all right, but it doesn’t turn from red to green or even blink yellow in a regular pattern. It flickers irregularly —or what might seem ‘irregular’ to the eyes of innocents, those untrained to pick out subtle patterns. “Oh, those flickers and flashes are meaningless,” they say. Meaningless? Don’t you see? There is no such thing as ‘meaningless’!  Take the word ‘meaningless’, for example. Doesn’t it mean something? Of course, it does. What more proof do you want, a One-World UN ID number tattooed on your forearm?

And bar-codes on super-market items?  Are all those lines really a way to keep track of produce, or are they a code, perhaps? —a way to let THEM know what you eat? Then a way for THEM to control what you put into your bodies? And then to take over your bodies?! Didn’t any of you see The Invasion of the Body Snatchers?!


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