entry
Sept 2015 Allegro ma non troppo
#8 (original pub. date, Lion
Magaine, Feb. 1992)
Kazakhstan
The dissolution of the Soviet
Union now means that Kazahkstan is the
fourth largest
nuclear power in
the world, with some 1,690 atomic
weapons on its soil, more than
France, Britain and China combined.
Although the Kazakhs claim they have
no intention
of getting uppity,
atomic-wise, how much do we really
know about them? Just what is
Kazahkstan? Where
is it? And if it is near us, is it
getting any closer? Also important,
if they got into
the Nuclear Club, does that mean that
a coat and tie are no longer
required? A brief history of
Kazakhstan is in order.
Kazahkstan is one of the
historic "-stans", the others being Kurdistan,
Tadzikistan, Turkestan, Uzbehkistan, Stan
Laurel and Standard Oil.
Etymologically, the name is related to the kazatski,
the vigorous folk dance in which the
dancer, from a squatting
position, throws out each leg alternately, then
throws out his lower back. The root "Kaz-"
has also given us the
"kazoo", the toy musical instrument consisting
of a small open tube with a top hole covered by
a
membrane, as of paper, that vibrates to produce
a buzzing quality similar to tones hummed
through toilet paper
stretched
over a comb, neither of which are in particular
abundance in Kazakhstan.
"Kazakhstan," as a separate
historical entity, was first mentioned in the
annals of Marco Polo's younger brother,
Marco
Croquet, who referred to the land as "one of the
four basic food groups". This reference went
unnoticed for
centuries,
apparently because no one really seemed to know
what "annals" were. Croquet and his older
brothers,
Field Hockey and Bocce,
skirted the famous Silk Road pioneered by Polo
and went on to blaze the lesser known Dirt
Trail, the
only road they were allowed onto, dressed, as
they were, in blazing skirts. In any event, the
United Nations
has recently recognized
Kazakhstan as "very empty".
The land
is bounded on the north by Russia and bounded on
the west by the Caspian Sea; it is bounded on
the east
by China and on the south by Boundless
Enthusiasm, the Bounding Main, Leaps and Bounds,
Bound and Gagged, and
a motley assortment of other
bounders and rascals. There are three time
zones: Kazakh Standard, Kazakh Summer
and Happy
Hour. Lowlands, table lands, table legs,
mountains and plateaus account for most of the
total area. The
rest is
still unaccounted for, except for the Giant
Steppe, which earlier explorers had to turn back
from because they
had forgotten to say,
“Mother, may I?” Vegetation is mostly fescue and
wormwood, which is quite a coincidence
since
Fescue & Wormwood is also the name of the
only law firm in the nation.
The rest of Kazakh topography is of little interest since the inhabitants pretty much quit playing with tops when they started with this atomic bomb business. Nevertheless, the northern plains produce all the wheat grown in that area, and their famous “amber waves of grain” are the source of all those little yellow-brownish bits of translucent grit so often found in Kazakh bread, at least according to the Kazakh Ministry for Fossil Resin and Roughage. Since the beginning of the Mesozoic Era, about 225,000,000 years ago the low hills have been characterized by extensive depressions and are just recently starting to feel better. As a matter of fact, the hills are now said to be alive with the sound of music or at least comatose from the tintinnabulation of cowbells. The cows, themselves, form an integral part of the great folk festival put on each year by traditional Kazakh-Jewish vintners called Trampling Out the Vintage Where the Grapes of Roth are Stored.
The nation's highest legislative body is 2,284 metres above sea-level and is elected by universal suffrage. Everybody suffers. The capital of Kazakhstan is Alma Ata, which name is recalled in the ancient hymn, Hail to Thee our Alma Ata. Historic Kazakh literary figures include Abu Nasr as-Farabi, author of numerous treatises on philosophy, science and sun-dial repair. Most modern poetic energy, however, has been directed at trying find a good rhyme for "Kazakhstan". In terms of religion, Jehovah's Witnesses have been increasing, apparently due to fact that slamming a tent flap on someone's foot doesn't really hurt that much. The largest religion, however, is still the Kazakh Orthodontic Church, whose motto is: Brace Yourselves!
That's good advice for all of us.
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